N.A.A.C.P.--The National Association for the Abolishment of Circumcised Penises

An article found on Wikipedia 20 years from today. Search topic: the American Civil Rights Movement…but after you click on it, you’re going to have to scroll down to the bottom of the page where there is a link to another site; click it, download the appropriate file, hit okay, then click “No” (or else it will take you to a website where a midget plagued with Elephantitis of his scrotum poses in female lingerie…gives camel toe a whole new meaning), then you will get to a site where there is a highlighted portion entitled: “The 2nd American Civil Rights Movement,” and click it and you will read the following (oh! And don’t forget to go to the History tab on your computer and delete the web address for the disturbing yet slightly ironic pictures of Mini-me rocking King Kong’s testicles, or else you will have hell to pay with your parents later, or, if you are currently running for a highly influential political position, the CIA and Homeland Security…but without further ado, the article):

“The Second Civil Rights Movement (2009-2022) refers to the reform movements in the United States aimed at abolishing discrimination against uncircumcised penises and restoring the foreskin to the penis through various methods intended to return the penis to its prenatal form (for further information on Penile/Foreskin Restoration Methods and its setbacks in regards to Velcro-ing foreskin onto the head of the penis and the usage of super glue for foreskin repair and the misfortunes of accidentally gluing the foreskin shut and its effects on impeding urinary flow, please continue to the appendix of the article). Systematic disenfranchisement of uncircumcised penises (which I think translates into uncircumcised penises could not be picked up by professional sports teams, but I’m no English major so I am not one-hundred percent sure) took place in states across the country, especially in heavily populated Jewish communities, and lasted until national civil rights legislation was passed in the early-2020s.

In contrast to the African American’s Civil Rights Movement, where blacks “could not vote, could not sit on juries, could not take part in the justice system or law enforcement, were denied economic opportunities, experienced widespread employment discrimination, and individual, police, organizational, and mass racial violence,” the men in possession of an uncircumcised penis were, in fact, allowed to do all of these things (although if they weren’t, uncircumcised penis owners would have had a legitimate complaint!). Uncircumcised penis holders (not individuals who actually would physically hold the uncircumcised penises in their hands but had an uncircumcised penis) and other foreskin fanatics rejected this regime. They resisted it and sought better opportunities through an assortment of means: lawsuits (although obviously no lawyer in their right mind would take their case), new organizations (like the Apple foreskin iPod, where iPod owners could pull a protective layer of skin over the iPod when not using the device), political redress (where foreskin faithfuls would don pink ribbons with an actual severed, dried-up foreskin that had been circumcised pinned onto it, as well as flaunt signs and shirts embossed with the famous saying of the movement: Snip, snip, don’t do it!), and labor organizing (but because uncircumcised penises could not actually lift heavy crates or operate dangerous machinery, this proved to be a bust).

The National Association for the Abolishment of Circumcised Penises (NAACP) was founded in 2009 and it struggled to end penile discrimination through litigation, education, lobbying efforts, and just pulling out their uncircumcised penises in public and shaking them in front of unsuspecting pedestrians (in an attempt to invoke understanding, tolerance, and appreciation, not just to be perverted…even though a federal court happened to rule differently). Its crowning achievement was its legal victory in the Supreme Court decision Brown v. the Shalom Bris Party Planning Committee (2019) that rejected a near-sighted mohel, whom had not passed the eye exam to operate a motor vehicle could perform a circumcision on a child in an air-conditioned room or a facility below room temperature (for fear of amputating an insufficient amount of foreskin, rendering the child in a class of neither circumcised nor uncircumcised, more commonly referred to as a ‘halfie’). And this, by implication, overturned the Biblical doctrine ‘Circumcise the foreskin of your heart [Deut 10:16]’ (which is probably the creepiest image one could muster in one’s mind, and whomever translated that portion of the Bible from Hebrew better have been fired or stoned to death), a doctrine that had been established in Plessy v. Foreskinuson.

Further down the page, the Wikipedia article elaborates upon the “Uncircumcised Power Movement” (signified by a giant black fist punching an circumcised penis in the testicles), stating: “In 2015, Urologist Dr. John Dickfeeler began urging uncircumcised male communities to confront the KKK (simply put, the ‘Kut Kut Klan,’ who were bald men that drew a line down the middle of their heads to signify a circumcised penis and rode around on horseback--which was really dumb and outdated because the uncircumcised victims could hop into their sports cars and catch up with them and beat the poop out of them). The Kut Kut Klan affiliates wielded large scissors, while at the same time throwing flaming circumcised foreskins on people’s lawns…which authorities would later put out by stepping on or getting a garden hose and sprinkling some water on it. Dickfeeler felt it was the only way to rid communities of the terror (and amusement of grown men throwing fiery foreskins on lawns) caused by the Klan.

Several people engaging in the Uncircumcised Power Movement started to gain more of a sense of uncircumcised wiener pride and identity as well. In gaining more of a sense of a cultural identity, several uncircumcised men demanded that urologists no longer refer to them as “Uncircumcised” but as “The Superior Weiner Species” but urologists kept referring to them as uncircumcised because it was the clinical term denoted in medical journals to those individuals who had foreskin, not to mention just an idiotic request. Up until the late 2010s, uncircumcised males has dressed similarly to uncircumcised males (actually…identically) and combed their pubic hairs straight (why? Nobody knows and nobody cares to find out). As part of gaining a unique identity, uncircumcised men started to wear loosely fitting hats that resembled a scrunched down Jazzercise sock on one’s head (for emblematic purposes, of course) that one could pull down over his face in case he was cold or wanted to be rendered blind (cutting holes in the hat for the eyes, nose, and mouth would have been detrimental to the imagery the hat was meant to justify…coincidentally enough, crosswalk fatalities peaked during this period as well as registered complaints by wives that their husbands were peeing on the toilet seat, the floor beneath the toilet, and the wall behind the toilet…sometimes even the ceiling). Also, uncircumcised males started to grow their pubic hair out as a natural afro. The afro, sometimes named the “pubie fro” or “massive bush,” remained a popular uncircumcised pubic hairstyle, until the afro reached a point where it looked like the male had no penis at all and that Don King was playing hide-and-go-seek in the uncircumcised male’s crotch.

Uncircumcised Power was made most public by the Uncircumcised Anteater Party (a poor imitation of Malcolm X’s Black Panther Party; whose members later complained that the mascot of the anteater was not as intimidating as a black panther, however, group leaders insisted that the anteater’s snout was the closest resemblance to the uncircumcised penis). Although circumcised extremists tried to tarnish the uncircumcised penis’ reputation, through hateful propaganda like a foreskin blowing cigarette smoke in a baby’s face or an uncircumcised penis using one of its penis wrinkles to shake hands with Osama Bin Laden, the movement stood strong and brought an end to a legacy of senseless penile oppression. No longer would an uncircumcised penis have to hang it head again (no pun intended).”

Let’s face it people, there is no pussyfooting around what is at hand here. There is a war going on, an unspoken war that lies dormant (or very erect), hidden from the light of day (hopefully…), residing in the depths of our community’s loins, or Calvin Klein boxer-briefs, or tighty whiteys, or male thongs, or--and let us pray not--beneath nothing at all. No I am not talking about the battle between doctor prescribed topical creams and gonorrhea, syphilis, and genital warts (the true Axis of Evil, as far as I’m concerned), but the battle being waged against those constituents with “kosher-meat” and those of us with “unsliced-bologna” (it is truly mind boggling how many synonyms one can locate on the Internet).

This is a war being fought not with conventional machine guns and WMDs (if it were…ouch!), but with hurtful words and slander. Even the other day my girlfriend made reference to my uncircumcised-ness by telling me: “Babe, are you done writing yet? Why don’t you bring you and your hotdog bun back to bed…or would it be a corndog?” Ah ha! Even those whom are closest to my heart do not understand the years of suffrage and misrepresentation the uncircumcised penis has withstood. So where does society go from here? In times where gasoline prices are sky rocketing, the economy is in a bottomless depression where citizens are losing tens of thousands of dollars, and global warming is melting the polar ice caps and threatening our existence as a species, what better time to fight for an end to uncircumcised wiener persecution. Let me put it to you like this: the uncircumcised penis has now become an endangered species, similar to the baby panda that inhabits our planet. So if you saw a little baby panda walking around, would you decapitate the defenseless mammal? You would just let the baby panda go wandering around with no head, bumping into bamboo shoots? In accordance with the Jewish Bible, whenever the biblical patriarch Abraham saw a baby panda, he would whip out his little baby panda-sheering scissors and behead the poor creature as an “everlasting covenant,” you would do the same? You tell me, how much sense does that make? So it is time for people to wake up! It is time to make it cool again to have foreskin. Let us no longer pull back the skin of our pee-pee’s and snip, snip, but instead pull back the skin of our eye’s and see the truth: uncircumcised penises are our friends.

When I was a little boy I went to a sports camp for the summer. My favorite activity by far was swimming. Every day I would be the first one to change out of my clothes, into my swimsuit, and be the first in the pool. However, one day, unbeknownst to me, I dropped my undies (like I had done all my life, but I guess at that age you’re supposed to make sure no one is around for like a mile in each direction, and then with the same amount of privacy as if I were pulling a loaded gun out of my uncircumcised penis, change into my bathing suit) and a bigger boy next to me looked over and clearly bellowed out for all to hear: “Eww, what are you, some kind of Gaylord?” As everyone laughed and made their way to the pool, I looked down at my uncircumcised wiener and he looked back up at me, and a single tear drop appeared on one of its penis wrinkles (or it might have been a pee drop since I had just gone to the bathroom, but I’m almost positive it was a tear drop). From that day on, me and my uncircumcised penis went into hiding, only wishing that I, too, had a life size foreskin to pull over me to hide me from the embarrassment.

However, years later my younger brother and I were riding around in the back of a car on a family vacation, and he was elaborating on how the uncircumcised penis was gaining in popularity once again amongst the female masses. The conversation had begun with me explaining to him that when I went to the toilet, I would inexplicably pee on myself due to the fact that my urine would not come out in an orderly stream but spray out like it was a carbonated beverage that I had dropped on the pavement and tried opening too soon (for those of you thinking, “What a idiot,” I would like to remind you that the foreskin does not come equipped with handy directions printed on its inner layer as if it were a washing/drying label on a t-shirt. Strictly trial and error, my friends). After listening to my brother’s passionate line of reasoning as to why an uncircumcised penis is an ally, my confidence was fully restored and thus began my reign as founder of the National Association of the Abolishment for Circumcised Penises and its C.E.O. (Circumcision Evasion Officer).

What I have now realized as I begin my campaigning for the end of uncircumcised penis tyranny is that men, women, people of all ages and ethnicities, and even mohels and the boy who made fun of me in the locker room, they all lack a significant amount of awareness about circumcision, which is what deters them from accepting the little shriveled up piece of skin that looks like a coy fish with deflated Botox lips into their hearts and minds. In order to better our understanding, we must take the time to familiarize ourselves more on the matter. The male circumcision is defined as the “removal of some or all of the foreskin from the penis.” The word “circumcision” comes from Latin circum (meaning “the skin around one‘s penis”) and cision (meaning “to bite off with one’s teeth”…although I studied Spanish all through junior high and high school so my Latin might be a little off). The editorial continues on by stating: “Early depictions of circumcision are found in cave drawings and Ancient Egyptian tombs, though some pictures may be open to interpretation (which is oddly satirical, because every time I was excused to go to the bathroom in high school, I had a guy in my English class that would decorate my book with various sized penis drawings or penis sketches where a wiener was going into the mouth of William Shakespeare. I guess some things never change).”

It is heavily debated by scholars as to the pros and cons of circumcision, citing that advocates for circumcision affirm: “It has no substantial effects on sexual function (besides some individuals claiming their penis just fell right off…but no biggie), has a low complication rate when carried out by an experienced physician (although some allege that following the procedure their penis came alive like Frankenstein and tried to murder them in the middle of the night by getting them in a choke hold), and is best performed during the neonatal period (as opposed to when the patient reaches his late 80s or early 90s, because by that time gravity has taken place and the foreskin resembles more or less a stretched out tube sock and the physician has trouble estimating where to make the incision).

Opponents of circumcision testify that “it is extremely painful and adversely affects sexual pleasure and performance (meaning that when an individual went to orgasm, he would climax out his butt and fart out his penis), may increase the risk of certain infections (nobody wants their penis looking like one of the dancers in the Michael Jackson Thriller video), and when performed on infants and children violates the individual’s human rights (just imagine right after emerging from your mother’s womb, you see these loving eye’s affectionately gazing down at you, only to be handed over like a lateral in football to a doctor who proceeds to amputate the skin on your little baby penis. It is comparable to aliens making contact with Earth, and right when they step off the mother ship, we cut their genitalia off. Tell me, what would you go home and tell all the other aliens about our planet? Greetings earthlings…snip, snip!).”

The website continues on to reveal an explicit description of modern circumcision procedures (no dialogue or add-lib needed for the following): “With all modern devices the same basic procedure is followed. First, the amount of foreskin to be removed is estimated. The foreskin is then opened via the preputial orifice to reveal the glands underneath and ensure it is normal. The inner lining of the foreskin is then bluntly separated from its attachment to the glands. The device is then placed (this sometimes requires a dorsal slit) and remains there until bleeding has stopped. Finally, the foreskin is amputated (first, it really doesn’t help that is says ‘finally, the foreskin is amputated’ at the end, as if it were a 12-step Algebra equation or directions for putting together an IKEA kitchen cabinet. And second, as the article goes into the specific procedures being used, endearing names that sound like characters from Transformers--Gomco clamp, Plastibell, and Mogen clamp--it uses very “specific” words like “crunch,” “slit,” and “crushing the foreskin,” all verbs that I would prefer not to have in the same sentence as “my penis”).

Ah, but it gets better! “After hospital circumcision, the foreskin may be used in biomedical research (like foreskin cloning in order to produce Fantasia 2: Rise of the Foreskins, where an army of battling foreskins help Mickey Mouse carry endless buckets of water up a mountain set to a melodramatic soundtrack), consumer skin-care products (for ladies to use as an applicator to administer blush or cover-up…or better yet! Foreskin lipstick!), skin grafts (because what could be more appetizing than having some stranger’s foreskin stitched onto your face to hide a burn wound), or Beta-interferon-based drugs (forget cocaine, try snorting a withered foreskin through a rolled up dollar bill). In parts of Africa, the foreskin may be dipped in brandy and eaten by the patient, eaten by the circumciser, or even fed to animals (I prefer mine breaded and deep fried…also gives Meow Mix a whole new twist).”

Now even though I may jest entirely as to the severity of the act of circumcision and conjure up an imaginary uncircumcised utopia just to get a few chuckles, the reason I touch upon circumcision (hee hee, he said “touch circumcision”) is because it is one mental struggle I have fought with throughout my life. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I didn’t go out and sat at home by myself playing Uno with my foreskin (although he does have an amazing poker face, like trying to decipher if a blind Sharpei is bluffing), but it took me a long time to appreciate who I am no matter what I look like. For me, having foreskin was embarrassing because no one had ever talked to me about it, thus causing me to self-perceive myself as less than adequate. For others though, maybe there is an aspect about you that causes you anxiety--the shape of your body, the mole on your cheek, the Elephantitis of your scrotum (no offense cross-dressing midget)—and I’m here to say this is a natural reaction and you are not alone. But as my mom used to tell me every day when she would drop me off onto the socially-debilitating battlefield known as high school: we are born perfect just the way we are, every little blemish, wrinkle, and foreskin included (don’t worry, I added the foreskin part myself…my mom never gave my foreskin and I inspirational Stuart Smalley-pep talks before school, I’m Wrinkly Enough, I’m Retractable Enough, and Doggone It! People Like Me). So please don’t ever stop loving who you are because you’re perfect, even when you take the chance of revealing yourself to the world and someone just ends up calling you a Gaylord (note: that person most likely had too much snip, snip’d off).