Sit, Rollover, and the Occasional 3-Point Turn

It has been said that “Dog Is Man’s Best Friend,” a statement that resonates for any of us that has had the pleasure of being a dog owner. This intangible bond that exists between man and animal is undeniable, with doctors and psychologists citing numerous benefits to their companionship: loyalty, unconditional love, humor, and even the reduction of blood pressure.

Now even though my cardiologist has not seen any drastic declines in my blood pressure, probably due to the fact that my dog drools worse than one of those extraterrestrial creatures that Sigourney Weaver torches in Aliens (but instead of an acidic burn, my dog prefers to leave a shiny, gloss-like feature on my pants as if my Dockers came embroidered with a patent leather crotch…kind of a difficult explanation when you get to the office. “It’s…uh…toothpaste?”). Or perhaps it’s because when we have company over, my dog’s nose persistently finds its way to my intimate parts like I’m hiding a Tony Romas restaurant in my man thong, I mean, underwear, and for the rest of the night I struggle with his snout as if I got the vacuum cleaner hose caught on my genitals. Or perhaps it’s because when we go for a walk, my dog sees a chipmunk and runs in the opposite direction as if a psycho killer waving around a chainsaw is chasing him (which makes me worry about the time a psycho killer waving around a chainsaw comes into my home…I’ll probably have to grab my dog’s tail and wave him around like a nun chuck in self-defense to fend off the intruder). Now even though my pooch and I have a very unique relationship, I have come to notice lately that people in the Bay Area love their dogs…perhaps maybe a little too much.

The other day while waiting for my girlfriend to get off work, I went for a run along the waterfront in San Francisco by the ferry building. One thing you will realize about San Franciscans is that they really, really love their dogs, more so than the Eastbay or South Bay populations. Everywhere they go, dogs come along. Every little shop has dog bowls in front. There are stores dedicated to dogs. People dress their dogs in sweaters, cardigans (for more formal occasions or doggy interviews), and parkas (as if they might be leading a trek into the Himalayas). I’ve even seen the two part water fountain where the top is for humans and the bottom one is for dogs (and if you’re dog has realized how to operate the mini-fountain by himself, you better put him to sleep or something because that dog just blew his cover. It’s just a matter of time before you wake up in a dark room with a milk bone in your mouth and a video camera in front of you and your dog speaking and the only two words you can decipher between the barks are “payback” and “castration.” You’re pretty much screwed).

But I’m not here to talk about doggy testicular grudges, because what I saw the other day along the water front was just shocking. There was a pack of little dogs running around, and then tailing behind the doggy soiree was this miniature bulldog that had strapped on its hips a futuristic form of a doggy wheelchair. No joke. But it was not like the dog was sitting upright in the wheelchair, chasing the herd like “You little kids, come back here with my tennis ball,” it was more or less like the dog had been transformed into a drag racing car. Because it was not a dog of sizeable proportions; it was little runt, so the wheels looked like someone salvaged them from a monster truck, and the dog had a little red belt lifting up his hind parts, and he had kind of a forward lean to him, like when you’re in PE class in elementary school or at a team building event and you partake in the wheel barrow race where someone holds your legs up and you walk on your hands. That is what this puppy looked like running around chasing these other dogs.

Now that I think about it, the other dogs were probably running away from wheelchair dog, because they probably assumed it was a car. I mean how many dogs have lost companions in the field of duty due to a big, hunky wheel plowing over them? You need to put yourself in the dog’s shoes (or paws…especially the Chihuahua’s since he was freaking out), because these dogs being pursued by a dog equipped with wheels is like us being chased by the indestructible, shape-shifting T-1000 in Terminator 2. You know, the robot with limbs that possessed the ability to morph into liquid metal spears? Because I see a dude running towards me with blades for arms, I’m running my little butt off too. I don’t have time to mosey over and sniff the T-1000 derriere to verify. I just run. But that is where dogs lack the intellect that we humans possess, because all the dogs needed to do was just relinquish the tennis ball, then life would return to normal. Could you imagine if that is all the T-1000 wanted to do was get the tennis ball? He comes barreling up on you, prods his arms in to your car with his daggers, and you just toss the ball out the window. He goes running after it. You’re like “Ha! Let’s neuter his liquid metal testicles and put him in a kennel when he gets back.”

After further reflection, I believe the whole tennis ball throwing routine for dogs is just kind of a psychological dominance over their species. We feel superior when we throw the ball and they bring it back, and then we really let him know whose boss when we fake throw and they go running off and end up looking around like my grandpa with Dementia “How did I get here?” How befuddled would you be if when you threw the ball, and your dog looked you straight in the eye and shook his head and pulled out another tennis ball from behind his back, saying in his best Al Pacino-voice: “Youse been hiding this from me huh? Forget about it. Give me some bacon we calls it even.”

Then there are certain issues with the doggy wheelchair that cause me apprehension. For starters, how does he pee? Is he like one of those older obese men using the urinal, with his hands on his hips allowing his urine to shower everywhere like a unmanned fire hose, or does the owner bring out his car jack and hike up a wheel just to make the dog feel normal again? And what about pooping? Dogs usually prefer a Sumo wrestler attack posture before relieving themselves, but those wheels can present a problem. I imagine when the dog defecates it is analogous to that of a gold fish. The turd most likely tails swiftly behind him like toilet paper stuck to a shoe. But how embarrassing is that for the dog! It would be like having food embedded in our teeth. His fellow peers are probably like: “Hey Rover, you, uh, saving that string of poop for a snack later or what?” I could just imagine the wheelchair dog trying to disconnect the dung off him by shaking his doggy booty…but then again, this all depends on how good his shocks are or if he has hydraulics in his doggy hind wheels to help him waggle it free. .

Other matters that trouble me include if you are throwing the ball in the backyard and the ball falls in the swimming pool. Do you witness Fido scurry after it, jump in and just sink like an anchor to the bottom of the pool? He’s is probably like: “Oh well, at least I die with you tennis ball,” clasping his circular-shaped lover to his chest like the elderly couple in the finale of Titanic. I image you would be inclined to encircle your pool with those reverse spikes rental car places and SWAT teams use to immobilize automobiles. Wheelchair dog goes hounding the ball then PSSSSSTT! Stops dead in his tracks.

I also imagine it would be quite a feat walking your dog around the city with all the colossally steep hills that unexpectedly drop with verticality comparable to my grandma’s breasts. I conceive that you’re not so much as walking your dog as pulling him like luggage with wheels on it. Then there must be times when you unexpectedly make a quick turn while walking your wheelchair dog, and the next thing you know (as it always happens at the airport with luggage outfitted with wheels) you are getting admonished with incriminating stares by passerby’s because you turn around see you’ve been dragging your dog on its side for the last two blocks. What about getting a flat tire with your doggy wheelchair? Do you put a spare under his belly? And when it occurs, do you briskly stop the walk, get out the flairs and cones, and direct people away from the scene while you mend your poor animal’s tire? I know it must be a real inconvenience during the winter time to take your dog on a walk because your dog’s wheelchair must be concealed with snow chains. How irresponsible would you feel if you are walking your dog behind you and he just starts sliding into the middle of the street, then bum bum, bum bum…whoops!

I could muster up 101 possible outcomes that could go awry, but my biggest concern is for the dog’s self-esteem. I mean this dog I saw in the park did not have the coolest get up ever. You never saw James Bond roll up in an electric wheel chair and say, “Martini…shaken not stirred…but in a to-go cup please.” Because honestly, how many cool things have two wheels? You’re probably like: “Well a mountain bike or a motorcycle is pretty cool.” Ok let me re-phrase the question: how many cool modes of transportation have two wheels parallel to one another? I can only think of one and it’s the Segway (you know, what mall cops and dorks at hi-tech companies use to maneuver from their desk to get water cooler). Seriously, not cool. You don’t see Hell’s Angels being like: “On second thought, maybe we should opt for something a little more ergonomically correct.” Because this is what that dog resembled: a doggy Segway.

Now just conjure up that feeling you get when you see someone gyrating around pedestrians down the sidewalk on their Segway. You kind of despise them and think un-Jesus-like thoughts to yourself like: “What an idiot,” because their not only being lazy, but they stand like two feet higher than the crowd, like Yao Ming walking around in China (plus tack on an extra foot for the helmet). Now take that image of the Segway man and then add a leash around him. Anything with a leash around it knocks coolness down 95%. Kid with back pack on. Kid with back pack on with leash attached to it. Giant, man-eating lion. Giant, man-eating lion with a leash around it. Man staying at hotel. Man staying at hotel with a leash around him getting paddled by a Dominatrix. Cool. Not cool (or just borderline disturbing). And to top it off, the wheels of the doggy Segway are not trendy, off-roading wheels but resemble something you might swop from your kids red wagon. If my dog needed wheels, I would go on EBay and purchase the wheels from the Batmobile. Huge, gargantuan, overly obtrusive wheels, like when I would take my dog for a walk people have to step off the curb so as not to get their toes amputated.

But this still leaves one question unanswered: what about the owner? I just want to know when it goes through your mind that: “Hmm, my dog has had an accident and it cannot walk anymore. Maybe I should put him to sleep because I don’t want him to suffer…OR maybe I should throw some wheels on him.” You’re like: “Oh, my poor goldfish can’t swim anymore. Maybe I should flush him down the toilet…OR maybe I should put a propeller on the back of him?” You can probably go to this guy’s apartment and all his animals are suped up like an Asian chop shop. His pet bird has a jet propulsion pack on it. You walk in and have to duck to avoid being decapitated, while his bird continues to fly around into walls like a pinball machine. All the while the bird is just trying to get to the food bowl, and you proceed to army crawl out of the apartment so as not to get riddled with bird poop like an old WWII movie. I think the only animal that would not mind physical alteration would be a turtle. He would be like: “Alright, not too shabby.” But he would probably have the reaction time of an old Chinese woman behind the wheel. He would want to make a left turn get to his hot rock, then hit his little turtle turn signal, run into the wall and start trying to turn afterwards.

Now even though I may jest at the obstacles this dog may incur during its lifetime, I am sure the owner of the pet was acting out of compassion and unconditional love. A meaningful attempt to return the same amount of love that this puppy has brought to its owner’s life. This speaks volumes as to the importance our dogs play in our everyday lives and what makes them ‘Man’s Best Friend’: because although we may not speak the same language, or share the same fascination with butts (unless you are Sir Mix-a-lot), or even embarrass them by putting wheels on their bodies, our dogs love us no matter what and will always greet us with a smile, a lick, or a good old-fashion crotch sniff. Perhaps it is us that could learn a thing or two about love from them. So I take back what I said earlier about loving your dog too much, because I’d rather you give your pooch too much love than no love at all. Oh, I forgot to mention there is one benefit to the doggy wheelchair: is if he is ever humping your leg, all you have to do is push him backwards.